Goemon’s Redneck Dictionary, Part 1

25 Aug

For more than one year I shared my life with a redneck. Not because I enjoy unpredictable verbal punishment, but because this particular type of lunatic can be difficult to spot over the phone. However, that is a story for another day. Today I want to focus on language difficulties.

Just like most politicians the common redneck expels a lot of hot air when he talks, and he is rarely aware that the words he speaks fail to match the reality that surrounds him (or her; I don’t wish to exclude female idiots from this account). In this blog and the next I seek to illuminate some of the wonders that I encountered, and lessons I learned whilst living with a Canadian redneck.

The common redneck rarely says what he means, and never means what he says. It can therefore be helpful to carry a translation assistant when communicating with this particular type of idiot. In my nearly two-year experiment of interacting with a thoroughly self-assured redneck I have gathered enough empirical observations to confirm multiple hypotheses regarding synonymy within redneck language. Here is the first excerpt from “Goemon’s Redneck Dictionary”. Study it well, and one day even you may be able to have a conversation with a religiously confused individual without missing the true meaning of their words.

What the Redneck saysWhat the Redneck means
I’ve done extensive research on this subject.I read several Amazon reviews that relate to this type of product.
I did a lot of consultation on this.I forced my opinion regarding this subject upon many people. Few or none of them ever asked for it.
I’m reading an article.I’m reading a controversial opinion piece that is based on such vague drivel that liberals might blog this under their pseudonym, while conservative media outlets will publish it as a politicised article with the tiny mark “opinion” in the bottom right corner.
I’m also an academic.I have a university degree, which qualifies me to question every experience of any expert in any field, no matter how remote from my own occupation and education.
I’m legally blind.I need reading glasses.
As everybody knows …As I fail to question …
I know that …I believe …
Here is what I don’t understand …Here is a topic I love to rant about, despite knowing nothing about it.
That’s a fact!I read that on the internet!
This is stupid.I don’t understand this.
This is bull*$&§I don’t like this.
This is hilarious!A washing machine could entertain me!
Everybody says …I heard somebody mention this subject somewhere, and after imagining many weird things about it I have formed a picture in my head that probably has little to do with what was said. I would now like to complain about it as if it signified the battle of Me against the World.
 

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